Congruence is ultimately what we crave

I have been thinking about this for a while now and the best way I have found to describe it is that I think there is a spot in everything that is true.

Once we have touched or experienced the spot, it stays with us and we crave going back to it, and feel empty when we are not experiencing it.

Finding the Spot in a Real Relationship

One of the ways I have experienced this is in my relationship with my wife.

Just the other day, we were having an argument over something. I could feel that the thing we were arguing about wasn't the thing, and that there was something underneath that we weren't able to touch. For me, it was like an itch that I wasn't able to scratch.

For once, I had the power to stop the argument and say what I was feeling.

We both slowed down. We both acknowledged that we were off the spot.

We kept slowing down and kept naming everywhere it felt like we were not fully congruent.

And then she said something like, "I can feel that it is true and I still want to completely disagree with you"; and in that moment we could both feel the click.

The feeling of congruence in the connection between us.

We were finally both on the spot.

It had the quality of smoothness, relief and an openness in the connection between us.

It wasn't that we had resolved the issue, but there was undeniable truth between us and it felt amazing.

Conscious vs Unconscious Congruence

One of the qualities of the Spot of Congruence is that if we experience it unconsciously, we won't know how to get back there consciously.

So, we either try and forget about it or think it is coincidence when we occasionally experience it.

If we experience it consciously, then we will feel mad and frustrated until we touch that spot in everything around us.

And I mean everything — relationships, friendships, work, passion, purpose, life. Everything.

Any place we don't experience it, it will feel like something is missing.

What Congruence Feels Like in Practice

I like to call this spot, congruence. It is the spot when my mind and body are in total sync, or when I am in sync with the nature or the person I am in connection with.

I want to have that feeling in every area of my life, all the time. I want to live there. It is because when I am in congruence with myself and with my life, everything feels effortless and in flow.

Have you ever felt like that? If so, I would love to hear about it.

Also, this is something we can learn. It takes practice, but it is definitely something we can all learn. Developing the capacity to find and return to the spot of congruence — in yourself and in your relationships — is part of what the Performance to Presence Method builds. Once you've tasted it, you can't un-taste it.

The Presence Score is a free 15-question assessment that shows where congruence is most lacking for you right now across four core areas.

Take the free assessment