How Self-worth Reshapes Our Relationship

All of us desire the joy of feeling good about ourselves. However, what happens when our belief in our worth is undermined? Can low self-worth affect our relationships with ourselves and with others?

Understanding Self-Worth

Self-worth isn’t just about feeling good; emotions, thoughts, and a sense of spiritual connectedness are all important components of self-worth. It is molded by our fundamental self-beliefs and life experiences. It’s similar to assembling a puzzle in which every piece completes the exquisite picture of the person you are.

It plays a big role in how satisfied we are in a relationship.

Relationship Dynamics

Despite their apparent differences, relationships and self-worth are closely intertwined. The quality of our connections is an indicator of our self-worth.

Not only romantic relationships but also those with family and friends influence how we feel about ourselves.

Each relationship aims to make the other person feel respected, protected, and supported. In closer relationships, like the romantic kind, there’s an extra layer. We all want emotional care—to feel wanted, accepted just as we are, and loved without conditions. Being part of something special makes us feel connected and not alone. 

Doesn’t everyone want that? 

When our connections make us feel seen, understood, and valued, our sense of self-worth benefits.  So, you see, relationships and self-worth do go hand in hand.

Impact of Self-Worth on Relationships

Our relationships can be significantly impacted by our sense of self-worth, or how much we respect and believe in ourselves. 

Poor self-esteem often impacts relationships. 

Let’s look at some of the common impacts of low self-worth on relationships:

Low self-worth breeds insecurity in relationships. We may constantly seek validation from our partner, needing constant reassurance that we are loved.

We may also become jealous more easily and anxious about our partner leaving us for someone better.

With low self-esteem, we compromise our values and boundaries too much to appease our partner. We minimise our own needs because we don’t feel worthy of having them met.

It’s been observed that people with poor self-worth are more likely to remain in unhappy relationships for a longer period of time than others.

In trying to win our partner’s approval and love, we lose touch with our passions and interests. We mold ourselves to what they want rather than being true to ourselves.

Low self-worth can cause us to idealise partners and ignore red flags. You may stay in bad relationships longer, thinking you can’t do better.

Lower self-esteem makes us more emotionally reactive with partners. Small issues trigger oversized reactions.

On the flip side, a strong sense of self-worth allows us to communicate assertively, set boundaries, maintain identity in relationships, and recognize when a dynamic is unhealthy. The value we place on ourselves is reflected in our connections. 

Boosting our self-esteem can profoundly improve our relationships.

Why self-worth important?

Experts say healthy self-esteem provides a foundation for emotional well-being and productive lives. People who esteem themselves are better equipped to cope with hardships, express their needs, realize their full potential, and build meaningful connections.

Psychologists emphasise self-worth because how we judge our worth permeates nearly everything we do.

It filters our perceptions, priorities, motivations, compassion, resiliency, and vision for what we deserve. When self-worth is skewed negatively, we operate from a place of insecurity, self-criticism, and fear. 

But when self-worth is healthy, we act with greater confidence, emotional intelligence, and belief in ourselves and others.

Though shaped in childhood, self-esteem can be improved through self-care practices, therapy, Relationship Coach, building self-awareness, cultivating empathy, correcting distorted thoughts, practicing self-love and gratitude, taking risks, and surrounding ourselves with supportive people. 

Making this inner work a priority gives us the foundation to create the relationships, well-being, and lives we truly want.

How can we improve our Relationships and self-worth?

Now we know all about how low self-esteem can drag down our connections, while healthy self-worth enhances them. 

I hope hearing what the expert says motivates you to start cultivating more self-love and positive beliefs about yourself. I know it’s not always easy! But you are worth the effort. 

Your inner critic is lying; you are intelligent, attractive, and interesting enough. Speak to yourself with the kindness and respect you’ve shown to someone else.

You deserve it!

Remember to appreciate all of the wonderful traits that make us who we are! List the qualities, abilities, values, and characteristics that define you. Reflect on your hopes and dreams. What do you appreciate about yourself? How have you overcome challenges? Hold onto all of this proof of your inherent worth.

The goal is not just any relationship, but one where we feel seen, appreciated, and able to grow. 
When our self-worth shines from within, we’ll attract people who respect our light. And we’ll have so much more to give them in return.

This cycle of love feeds itself when it starts from a place of valuing YOU.

Congruence is ultimately what we crave

I have been thinking about this for a while now and the best way I have found to describe it is that I think there is a spot in everything that is true. 

Once we have touched or experienced the spot, it stays with us and we crave going back to it, and feel empty when we are not experiencing it. 

One of the ways I have experienced this is in my relationship with my wife. 

Just the other day, we were having an argument over something. I could feel that the thing we were arguing about wasn’t the thing, and that there was something underneath that we weren’t able to touch. For me, it was like an itch that I wasn’t able to scratch. 

For once, I had the power to stop the argument and say what I was feeling. 

We both slowed down. We both acknowledged that we were off the spot. 

We kept slowing down and kept naming everywhere it felt like we were not fully congruent. 

And then she said something like, “i can feel that it is true and I still want to completely disagree with you”; and in that moment we could both feel the clic. 

The feeling of congruence in the connection between us. 

We were finally both on the spot. 

It had the quality of smoothness, relief and an openness in the connection between us. 

It wasn’t that we had resolved the issue, but there was undeniable truth between us and it felt amazing! 

One of the qualities of the Spot of Congruence is that If we experience it unconsciously, we wont know how to get back there consciously. 

So, we either try and forget about it or think it is coincidence when we occasionally experience it.

If we experience it consciously, then we will feel mad and frustrated until we touch that spot in everything around us. 

And I mean everything – relationships, friendships, work, passion, purpose, life….everything!

Any place we don’t experience it, it will feel like something is missing. 

I like to call this spot, congruence. It is the spot when my mind and body are in total sync, or when I am in sync with the nature or the person/thing I am in connection with. 

I want to have that feeling in every area of my life, all the time. I want to live there. It is because when I am in congruence with myself and with my life, everything feels effortless and in flow. 

Have you ever felt like that? If so, I would love to hear about it. 

Also, this is something we can learn. It takes practice, but it is definitely something we can all learn!

Your sensitivity is what will heal the world

I have been remembering this moment when I was 14 years old when my grandfather and grandmother passed away within 24 hours of each other.

Over the last couple of days, I have had this image that keeps flashing in front of my eyes – it is of my father sitting on the floor in the room next to where my grandmother laid in the verandah at our home. He is surrounded by all the extended family members and is crying and losing control. I am standing next to him, completely stunned. I had never seen him that emotional in my life I never will again.

As I stood there watching him allow himself to realise what has just happened and feel that he just lost both his parents in a matter of 24 hours and letting himself go out of control and feel the grief, I was confused and scared. Something deep inside me shifted that day that I am only realising now. He was 41 that year. Same age as I am now.

At a workshop earlier this year I asked a room full of men to describe how they were feeling. The entire room could only come up with two words – Fine and Good. I asked the room why is it that men only have two words in our dictionary to define how we feel, and someone said, “I don’t want to burden other people with my problems”.

That, right there, is purity of the masculine, buried deep in the cultural conditioning.

The entire room felt silent and nodded in agreement. My mothers words echoed in my mind, “how will you live in this world if you are THIS sensitive”

I believe that that is an ubiquitous feeling that men have.

This is the world we live in.

I don’t know if, as a culture, we realise the deep impact it has on men when we are told that we can’t share how we feel because it will burden other human beings.

I was confused and sacred that day seeing my father losing control in that way, letting himself feel the grief. I remember standing there in front of him, frozen, as my rational mind tried to make sense of it.

He was my rock, my backbone, my superhero! Seeing him go out of control in this way made him look human. At the time, the only way I could relate to that very human trait of sensitivity was that it was a weakness.

Somewhere in my mind, in that moment, I decided I needed to be the strong one and be the rock for him.

Since then, I have lived majority of my life being the rock at the cost of my sensitivity. I am fortunate enough to now know differently. I know that my sensitivity is my strength and my superpower. It is the magic of being alive. I am grateful to my teachers, my community and my practices over the last several years for that.

I believe that majority of the issues in this world, that we blame on patriarchy, stem from the numbing out of our sensitivity from an early age.

When we start to believe that our sensitivity and feelings are a burden, we start to carry that invisible and subconscious weight on our shoulders by ourselves. we start to believe that we are on our own in our quest to take this burden with us to our deathbed, and the only way to carry on and survive – or even thrive – is to numb ourselves and harden our hearts and cut ourselves from the pain and ignore that it exists.

My sensitivity and my approval for my sensitivity has made me more kind and loving. And that is the kind of strength I believe is needed and should be taught to men and women alike, and especially to men, right from a young age!

What’s your strategy to get the love you want?

He touched something deep at a meditation retreat. When he was really young, he lost one of his parents and convinced himself that people he loves will always leave him.

At a glance it might not look like it’s a big issue, but let’s examine some of the ways in which this is projected in life.

It’s now 35 years later, He is in an intimate relationship where he plays the role of a good man and a good father. He does everything he thinks would please his partner. He goes out of his way to have the love he wants. A lot of the times it is to disprove his belief that people he love will leave him, most of the time it is at the cost of his own authenticity.

Underneath it all, he craves something else, he craves being honest and authentic. His partners feels it too, but not necessarily able to put it all in words.

They are both so engrossed in these roles that they don’t have enough attention on what is happening underneath the surface. She wants access to his authenticity and he is so far detached from himself that he doesn’t even know what is real and what isn’t. This make belief world is what he knows as reality now.

Over a period of time, which is usually once the honeymoon period is over, they both start to feel miserable. Yet, keeping the façade and the story alive. They build coping mechanisms – keep themselves busy with work, children, friends, holidays, social engagements; and yet they are both angry at themselves for not being able to say the honest thing, which is what they ultimately crave, and the only way that anger comes out is pointing fingers at the other person for making them feel that way.

On one hand he is doing all of this so that the woman he loves doesn’t leave him, and, on the other, he is doing all of it to prove to himself that the woman he loves will leave him because that’s what happens – people he loves will always leave him.

This is not just true in his intimate relationships though. It is only true everywhere else in his life as well. He has built a whole new personality to get the love he wants because he think he can’t have the love just by being himself.

It is this fear of abandonment that drives him to live an inauthentic and dishonest life and creates an illusion that he will be protected from his fear and at the same time getting closer and closer to proving that his fear is real, just like it has always been – every. single. time.

We all have some version of this story in our lives when we made up our minds about how the world is or what our relationship to the world looks like.

We build persona’s to avoid feeling that fear while doing everything to prove that the fear we feel is always right. It’s a vicious circle.

So, what is the answer? How do we break out of this cycle?

  • Well, the first thing is to wake up to the fact that we are in a vicious circle and understand our version of it

  • Develop practices that help us examine our reality and understand if an underlying fear is driving us

  • We cannot see our own blind spots. Hire someone to do that for you, or put yourself in a situation where you can become aware of these spots

  • Learn to love yourself. This is a process and you are exactly where you are supposed to be!

Three Principles of Personal Finance:Success

I led a Men’s workshop a few months ago for a government organisation, which was arranged to raise awareness for Mental Health and Wellbeing in workplace.

The general trend in workplace around metal health includes self-care but doesn’t have much emphasis on connection. Connection, I feel, is critical to mental health and wellbeing.

Over the last 7 years, I have done a lot of work with men and women in the area of connection and relating. As someone who identifies himself as a man, I am fascinated by men’s experiences and men’s work. I have facilitated Men’s groups and workshops for many years, but it has always been in an environment where men who are seeking this kind of experience had willingly come to me.

This was the first time I had gone into an organisation to deliver a workshop like this, and I had no idea what to expect or even if these men were bought into the idea or were forced to be in the room in the name of Mental Health.

Once I got there and started conversing with the attendees, it was clear that they had no idea what to expect and that this was first time many of them were taking part in a ‘Men’s’ workshop.

We had 20 men in the room. First 15 min of the workshop was essentially me talking at them and I could see their eyes rolling and checking out. It felt dry and boring. 

So, I decided to throw the pre-planned structure away and improvised. 

I asked everyone in the room how they were feeling in that moment, and in came the responses – “Fine”, “Good”, “Fine”, “Fine”, “Fine”, “Fine”, “Good”, “Fine”….

After about 8 or 10 responses, I had to intervene.

I questioned what ‘Fine’ or ‘Good’ actually meant. I challenged them if it really is the case that, as men, our vocabulary is limited to just two words when it comes to describing our feelings.

I shared my story and how every time I felt rejected in my life or felt heart broken, I used to tell myself that I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way ever again. It got to a point that I stopped feeling anything – to the point that when my father passed away, I couldn’t even allow myself to feel it all or let myself cry!  

One person spoke up after that. He said, “but this is what we are told to say in society and not show our emotions because it is seen as weakness”. 

Another person said, “I don’t really want to burden anyone”.

We went on to talk about just how as men we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and never ask for help or for anyone to share our burden with. 

And yet, we find it hard to say that we are Good Men!

We talked about the times when we felt hurt or rejected in our lives. 

We talked about how as men don’t tell each other how much other men’s friendship mean to us.

We talked about how each one of us needed to be that person who initiates the emotional connection with other men.

We shared stories and got to know each other.

By the end of the workshop, the room felt connected and warm. It was as if we had known each other for years. 

There was a palpable sense of starting of a brotherhood! 

I was left feeling humbled and very grateful to have an experience like that!  

ARE THERE PLACES IN YOUR LIVES, ESPECIALLY AT WORK, WHERE YOU CAN BE MORE VULNERABLE WITH MEN AND WHAT STOPS YOU FROM IT?

Listen to the Fear at a Whisper

In my writing practice this morning, I hit a place where the voice of fear was getting louder and louder, especially the fear of failure and what that means to my financial and social existence.

I noticed that the voices in my head tend to go to an extreme place where I end up believing that won’t have roof over my head or be able to feed myself

It is an interesting place because I feel that when these voices are so loud I don’t have access to my desire and what I want to do. I feel paralysed by the fear

I meditated and wrote about what was behind these loud voices.

I find that when I am in this place I have to remind myself to slow down and increase my attention on what is happening under the surface

I went deeper into the voice of fear to see if I could find a way to hear what it was trying to tell me.

There’s also this other voice inside me that just says “fuck the fear” and keep going. I find that that works for a limited amount of time. Fear has a way of operating in that if I don’t pay attention to it, then over a period of time, the internal pressure keeps building and the voice keeps getting louder and louder.

In that moment of leaning in to the voice of fear and getting curious about what was underneath, I felt this really soft spot inside myself — it felt like a soft and warm animal that was scared. Sacred and a desire to be heard.

I realised that every time I ignore this part of me by saying something like ‘Fuck it’, it has to increase the volume to be heard and noticed.

It has to get louder and be animated to get my attention, until such a point that this soft little fluffy animal becomes a raging monster and takes over my entire life.

So, this morning I managed to get in touch with this part of me beyond the drama and the animation and rage.

I could see it for what it was, a scared and sensitive part of me who just wanted to be heard and seen.

It was this voice that was saying, “hey if you go full speed ahead with your desire, you may go out of control and destroy everything”.

In that moment, I realised that it wasn’t trying to stop me from going for what I want. Instead, it is actually the voice that is there to keep me sane and conscious, while I attempt to live life the way it is happening.

Once I managed to slow down enough to speak to this part of me, I could start to reconcile them. The one that wants to create and take risks in order to grow and do something that is out of my comfort zone and what appears to be a bit unsafe; and the one that wants me to make sure I stay in range.

I often hear a lot of people going after what they want in life and if they are unsuccessful or get burnt in the process, they feel scarred by it and then end up giving up on their dreams. I wonder if this is because we often do this by ignoring this inner voice, this natural intelligence that we all have, that wants to keep us in range.

Is there a place in your life where you feel the voice of fear is really loud? And if so, have you tried to slow down enough to hear what it has to say and build a friendship with it?