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Your sensitivity is what will heal the world

I have been remembering this moment when I was 14 years old when my grandfather and grandmother passed away within 24 hours of each other.

Over the last couple of days, I have had this image that keeps flashing in front of my eyes – it is of my father sitting on the floor in the room next to where my grandmother laid in the verandah at our home. He is surrounded by all the extended family members and is crying and losing control. I am standing next to him, completely stunned. I had never seen him that emotional in my life I never will again.

As I stood there watching him allow himself to realise what has just happened and feel that he just lost both his parents in a matter of 24 hours and letting himself go out of control and feel the grief, I was confused and scared. Something deep inside me shifted that day that I am only realising now. He was 41 that year. Same age as I am now.

At a workshop earlier this year I asked a room full of men to describe how they were feeling. The entire room could only come up with two words – Fine and Good. I asked the room why is it that men only have two words in our dictionary to define how we feel, and someone said, “I don’t want to burden other people with my problems”.

That, right there, is purity of the masculine, buried deep in the cultural conditioning.

The entire room felt silent and nodded in agreement. My mothers words echoed in my mind, “how will you live in this world if you are THIS sensitive”

I believe that that is an ubiquitous feeling that men have.

This is the world we live in.

I don’t know if, as a culture, we realise the deep impact it has on men when we are told that we can’t share how we feel because it will burden other human beings.

I was confused and sacred that day seeing my father losing control in that way, letting himself feel the grief. I remember standing there in front of him, frozen, as my rational mind tried to make sense of it.

He was my rock, my backbone, my superhero! Seeing him go out of control in this way made him look human. At the time, the only way I could relate to that very human trait of sensitivity was that it was a weakness.

Somewhere in my mind, in that moment, I decided I needed to be the strong one and be the rock for him.

Since then, I have lived majority of my life being the rock at the cost of my sensitivity. I am fortunate enough to now know differently. I know that my sensitivity is my strength and my superpower. It is the magic of being alive. I am grateful to my teachers, my community and my practices over the last several years for that.

I believe that majority of the issues in this world, that we blame on patriarchy, stem from the numbing out of our sensitivity from an early age.

When we start to believe that our sensitivity and feelings are a burden, we start to carry that invisible and subconscious weight on our shoulders by ourselves. we start to believe that we are on our own in our quest to take this burden with us to our deathbed, and the only way to carry on and survive – or even thrive – is to numb ourselves and harden our hearts and cut ourselves from the pain and ignore that it exists.

My sensitivity and my approval for my sensitivity has made me more kind and loving. And that is the kind of strength I believe is needed and should be taught to men and women alike, and especially to men, right from a young age!

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What’s your strategy to get the love you want?

He touched something deep at a meditation retreat. When he was really young, he lost one of his parents and convinced himself that people he loves will always leave him.

At a glance it might not look like it’s a big issue, but let’s examine some of the ways in which this is projected in life.

It’s now 35 years later, He is in an intimate relationship where he plays the role of a good man and a good father. He does everything he thinks would please his partner. He goes out of his way to have the love he wants. A lot of the times it is to disprove his belief that people he love will leave him, most of the time it is at the cost of his own authenticity.

Underneath it all, he craves something else, he craves being honest and authentic. His partners feels it too, but not necessarily able to put it all in words.

They are both so engrossed in these roles that they don’t have enough attention on what is happening underneath the surface. She wants access to his authenticity and he is so far detached from himself that he doesn’t even know what is real and what isn’t. This make belief world is what he knows as reality now.

Over a period of time, which is usually once the honeymoon period is over, they both start to feel miserable. Yet, keeping the façade and the story alive. They build coping mechanisms – keep themselves busy with work, children, friends, holidays, social engagements; and yet they are both angry at themselves for not being able to say the honest thing, which is what they ultimately crave, and the only way that anger comes out is pointing fingers at the other person for making them feel that way.

On one hand he is doing all of this so that the woman he loves doesn’t leave him, and, on the other, he is doing all of it to prove to himself that the woman he loves will leave him because that’s what happens – people he loves will always leave him.

This is not just true in his intimate relationships though. It is only true everywhere else in his life as well. He has built a whole new personality to get the love he wants because he think he can’t have the love just by being himself.

It is this fear of abandonment that drives him to live an inauthentic and dishonest life and creates an illusion that he will be protected from his fear and at the same time getting closer and closer to proving that his fear is real, just like it has always been – every. single. time.

We all have some version of this story in our lives when we made up our minds about how the world is or what our relationship to the world looks like.

We build persona’s to avoid feeling that fear while doing everything to prove that the fear we feel is always right. It’s a vicious circle.

So, what is the answer? How do we break out of this cycle?

  • Well, the first thing is to wake up to the fact that we are in a vicious circle and understand our version of it

  • Develop practices that help us examine our reality and understand if an underlying fear is driving us

  • We cannot see our own blind spots. Hire someone to do that for you, or put yourself in a situation where you can become aware of these spots

  • Learn to love yourself. This is a process and you are exactly where you are supposed to be!

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Three Principles of Personal Finance:Success

I led a Men’s workshop a few months ago for a government organisation, which was arranged to raise awareness for Mental Health and Wellbeing in workplace.

The general trend in workplace around metal health includes self-care but doesn’t have much emphasis on connection. Connection, I feel, is critical to mental health and wellbeing.

Over the last 7 years, I have done a lot of work with men and women in the area of connection and relating. As someone who identifies himself as a man, I am fascinated by men’s experiences and men’s work. I have facilitated Men’s groups and workshops for many years, but it has always been in an environment where men who are seeking this kind of experience had willingly come to me.

This was the first time I had gone into an organisation to deliver a workshop like this, and I had no idea what to expect or even if these men were bought into the idea or were forced to be in the room in the name of Mental Health.

Once I got there and started conversing with the attendees, it was clear that they had no idea what to expect and that this was first time many of them were taking part in a ‘Men’s’ workshop.

We had 20 men in the room. First 15 min of the workshop was essentially me talking at them and I could see their eyes rolling and checking out. It felt dry and boring. 

So, I decided to throw the pre-planned structure away and improvised. 

I asked everyone in the room how they were feeling in that moment, and in came the responses – “Fine”, “Good”, “Fine”, “Fine”, “Fine”, “Fine”, “Good”, “Fine”….

After about 8 or 10 responses, I had to intervene.

I questioned what ‘Fine’ or ‘Good’ actually meant. I challenged them if it really is the case that, as men, our vocabulary is limited to just two words when it comes to describing our feelings.

I shared my story and how every time I felt rejected in my life or felt heart broken, I used to tell myself that I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way ever again. It got to a point that I stopped feeling anything – to the point that when my father passed away, I couldn’t even allow myself to feel it all or let myself cry!  

One person spoke up after that. He said, “but this is what we are told to say in society and not show our emotions because it is seen as weakness”. 

Another person said, “I don’t really want to burden anyone”.

We went on to talk about just how as men we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and never ask for help or for anyone to share our burden with. 

And yet, we find it hard to say that we are Good Men!

We talked about the times when we felt hurt or rejected in our lives. 

We talked about how as men don’t tell each other how much other men’s friendship mean to us.

We talked about how each one of us needed to be that person who initiates the emotional connection with other men.

We shared stories and got to know each other.

By the end of the workshop, the room felt connected and warm. It was as if we had known each other for years. 

There was a palpable sense of starting of a brotherhood! 

I was left feeling humbled and very grateful to have an experience like that!  

ARE THERE PLACES IN YOUR LIVES, ESPECIALLY AT WORK, WHERE YOU CAN BE MORE VULNERABLE WITH MEN AND WHAT STOPS YOU FROM IT?

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Karma and the Prayer Hack!

Growing up in India, talk of Karma was all around me. “You reap what you sow,” I would hear people say. I grew into adulthood believing that I needed to do good deeds to get good results later in my life. It was like a carrot and stick — “you better do good deeds or God/Universe is going to get you”.

Often, believers in Karma think about the cause and effect of their actions when making important decisions in life but also while their minds are running thoughts at 150 miles per hour. All sorts of thoughts — and I would say, predominantly negative thoughts, about how things can go wrong or might not work out or how they are less than someone else or not enough or not good enough in comparison to others.

Last year, one of my teachers talked about Karma and the seeds we sow at a micro level i.e. the kind of thoughts we think and the kind of assumptions we make — moment to moment. It changed my perception of how I actually create my reality. Every time I think that I am not good enough, I am in reality, sowing a seed in my subconscious and laying a path that will lead to me proving to myself that “I am not good enough”…and vice versa.

Now, while it was good to intellectually understand this, I discovered that it was a totally different thing to change my thoughts and start thinking, say, positive thoughts. Our brains are creatures of habit. Once we get into a habit of worrying, which many of us do from quite early on in our lives, it is extremely hard to change because it becomes embedded at a deep unconscious level.

For instance, I recently had the experience of an old childhood trauma being triggered. When I was a young man living in India someone had pulled a gun on me. I had spent weeks afterwards in a state of terror. Over time, however, the memory became deeply buried in my psyche. That is, until a couple of months ago, when something completely unrelated triggered the trauma, leaving me with a 24/7 fear-based narrative, running in my mind.

Intellectually I knew that I needed to change the narrative to something more positive but found myself unable to. It was almost like an addiction that I had no control over. And then one day, when I couldn’t take it any more, when my mind was consumed by fear and negativity, I felt that I had no choice but to pray. Thereafter, every time I had a negative or fear-based thought that I was conscious of, I reverted to praying. And every time I did so, my mind would calm down and my entire body would relax. After a while it got to a point that whenever my mind was empty I would automatically fill it with a prayer, which I ran in an infinite loop.

I don’t know if I have found a hack that believers have known for ever, or whether I have found a hack for Karma. However, I do know that after struggling with changing my habitual thoughts, filling my mind with prayer has pushed out the negativity and left me in a state of peace.

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Listen to the Fear at a Whisper

In my writing practice this morning, I hit a place where the voice of fear was getting louder and louder, especially the fear of failure and what that means to my financial and social existence.

I noticed that the voices in my head tend to go to an extreme place where I end up believing that won’t have roof over my head or be able to feed myself

It is an interesting place because I feel that when these voices are so loud I don’t have access to my desire and what I want to do. I feel paralysed by the fear

I meditated and wrote about what was behind these loud voices.

I find that when I am in this place I have to remind myself to slow down and increase my attention on what is happening under the surface

I went deeper into the voice of fear to see if I could find a way to hear what it was trying to tell me.

There’s also this other voice inside me that just says “fuck the fear” and keep going. I find that that works for a limited amount of time. Fear has a way of operating in that if I don’t pay attention to it, then over a period of time, the internal pressure keeps building and the voice keeps getting louder and louder.

In that moment of leaning in to the voice of fear and getting curious about what was underneath, I felt this really soft spot inside myself — it felt like a soft and warm animal that was scared. Sacred and a desire to be heard.

I realised that every time I ignore this part of me by saying something like ‘Fuck it’, it has to increase the volume to be heard and noticed.

It has to get louder and be animated to get my attention, until such a point that this soft little fluffy animal becomes a raging monster and takes over my entire life.

So, this morning I managed to get in touch with this part of me beyond the drama and the animation and rage.

I could see it for what it was, a scared and sensitive part of me who just wanted to be heard and seen.

It was this voice that was saying, “hey if you go full speed ahead with your desire, you may go out of control and destroy everything”.

In that moment, I realised that it wasn’t trying to stop me from going for what I want. Instead, it is actually the voice that is there to keep me sane and conscious, while I attempt to live life the way it is happening.

Once I managed to slow down enough to speak to this part of me, I could start to reconcile them. The one that wants to create and take risks in order to grow and do something that is out of my comfort zone and what appears to be a bit unsafe; and the one that wants me to make sure I stay in range.

I often hear a lot of people going after what they want in life and if they are unsuccessful or get burnt in the process, they feel scarred by it and then end up giving up on their dreams. I wonder if this is because we often do this by ignoring this inner voice, this natural intelligence that we all have, that wants to keep us in range.

Is there a place in your life where you feel the voice of fear is really loud? And if so, have you tried to slow down enough to hear what it has to say and build a friendship with it?

How to Build More Intimacy
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How to Build More Intimacy

So, I have been out of a typical nine to five/corporate job for almost four years now and I still have quite a few amazing friends from the previous organisations I worked for.

In the last few days, I have been catching up with some of my old colleagues — primarily men — who are passionate about their work and find that they are very much aligned with their purpose.

With a purpose lead life, it is sometimes hard to manage the work-life balance.

Besides, there are many many ways to get trained on all aspects of your work life, but how many of us really got any education/training on how to be in a relationship? It is almost a rhetorical question, because I have not met even a single person so far who has said they got that education.

As for me, I went on a six year period of personal growth, living a monastic life based on practices and connection.

I have learned a few things from that period that I want to share.

Being a men’s coach, these are primarily focused on men!

Women want attention, men want approval.

Not just any kind of attention, but quality attention.

Men, when was the last time you noticed something different on her where she put attention. Maybe she changed her nail varnish, or she got her hair done? Did you express that? What was her reaction? How frequently did you notice things on her when you first met her? How often do you do that now? If the frequency has changed, what has lead to that change?

Be careful, though, if this starts to become a chore. It is not about having a formula, but getting curious about her and learning to feel where she is at.

Women appreciate quality attention. Believe me, your quality of connection will change dramatically if you learn how to do this.

Ladies, if you are reading this, then here’s a tip for you! When men hear a complaint, they are hardwired to try and fix it for you. We don’t necessarily understand that you either just want us to pay attention or you have a desire behind the complaint that you want us to hear. We are not very good with indirect communication. We are learning, but it is a process! 🙂

Men, when you hear a complaint, learn to navigate complaints to draw intimacy, that is, increase attention and slow down to draw what she really wants to say, what the complain hides. Again, this is about feeling over formula.

Does your woman feel cherished?

This is a litmus test. Ask yourself this question, “Does my partner feel cherished?”

Deep down you will know the answer.

Women want to feel cherished, and if they do, you are looking at a happy and deeply fulfilling relationship.

You can do this by doing very simple things.

My partner, when she wakes up in the morning, likes drinking hot water with half a lemon squeezed in it. I started doing that for her every morning when she woke up. The amount of happiness it brought to her, and in turn the warmth and happiness to our relationship, was unbelievable.

Ask your partner, “What would you like me to know?”

If you don’t know how to put quality attention on your partner or how to have your partner feel cherished, or for that matter if you want to really find out where your relationship is at, then get into a habit of asking your partner this question, “What would you like me to know?”

Set up a timed container, say two minutes, before you start. A set time helps with the part of the brain that goes into panic that this experience may never come to an end. If you set a fixed time for it, then you know that it is going to end at some point. 🙂

Also, set up a safe word — maybe something like, “banana!” You use this word if you get to a point where you are getting so defensive or angry that you can not hear anymore.

Once the timer starts, just shut up and listen! Do not get defensive. Do not try and explain why you think your way is the best way. Just shut up and listen and get curious about what she is saying — unless you need to use the safe word.

Now, when you start this process, it can be a bit like that faucet that has been turned off for a long time and when you open it, it take a little while for the clean water to get flowing. So, be patient. Shut up and listen, get curious, and set it up as a practice.

Set up a ten minute timer and tell each other the truth.

If you are in any kind of relationship, it is imperative you learn how to be truthful with each other. Most long term relationships get more like functional relationships with no passion or electricity, because they are based on a “I want you to like me” foundation.

This is where we meet someone and we only show them our “best traits” in order for them to like us. Once the novelty wears out and the rest of us appears from the basement, it is often too late and then the only option we see is to compromise.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

The way to change this is to get into a practice of telling each other the truth — without worrying about the backlash you might receive or the hurt you might cause. One of the ways to do this is to set aside 20 minutes a few hours before going to bed. Each person gets to go for ten minutes and says whatever their truth is about the relationship.

The more vulnerable you can get, the better. The person who is hearing the truth does not say anything back. At the end of the 20 minutes, there is no processing of what was said. This is one of the ways to create a safe space for the truth in the relationship to emerge.

It might not be pretty, but it would definitely be better than living a life where you hide things from each other, which piles up over a period of time and creates disconnection and numbness in the relationship.

And finally, make these things a practice. Remember that relationship is a practice. It’s like going to the gym. The more you work at it, the better and stronger it becomes!

DISCLAIMER: I have specifically used man/woman genders in this post and not written it in a gender non-binary compatible format. This is partly to do with the fact that I am speaking to the relational aspect of the gender dynamics and not the socio-political aspect of it. Also, in order to keep it simple I have used men=masculine and women=feminine model here. Feel free to swap/mix it based on how you relate to masculine and feminine energies.

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